Fear

I’m probably overthinking right now, but I’m finding myself already slipping into a mental state where I’m afraid that I’m in over my head. This is my first open water swim EVER. I haven’t even been swimming in a lake since I was a kid which back then was maybe only about 20 feet from shore, if that. This is eleven f’ing miles, which is 3 times the longest I’ve ever swam in a pool. I’ve never been to Lake Tahoe in the summer. Seems like every swimmer I know is faster than me and in better shape than me (aside from my lanemates). “Athlete” is never a word I’ve ever used to describe myself. I’ve been fairly active most of my life, but never in any kind of capacity that would involve me really pushing the limits of my body. I’ve never considered myself to be in training for anything. If my high school didn’t have a PE requirement, I probably wouldn’t have been on the swim team. My brain is just kind of a mess right now. I’m afraid of being inadequately prepared for my swim.  I can see myself starting the swim and then getting my sorry ass dragged out of the water somewhere in the middle of it because I wasn’t prepared physically for this.  I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing.  Isn’t this something for people in shape and say things like “I LOVE sports!”?  Me? I love caving, canyoneering, scuba diving, etc which I consider those things to be fun and passions, but don’t look at them as exercise or sports. I’ve never said afterwards “I got a great workout!”  More like “oh man my body is sore but that was a lot of fun!” And talking with my friends I was with about what we saw and our experiences. Not something you really have in traditional sports that people watch on tv and really train for.  Yeah I’m going to be pathetic and whiny and need a lot of hand-holding, but it’s just from the fact that I feel like I have no f’ing clue what I’m doing.  I feel like I’m in a world right now that I don’t really belong in and sooner or later, I’m going to get caught.  Seriously, how could one of the girls in one of the slowest lanes in Masters practice *really* be training for an 11 mile swim?

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7 Responses to Fear

  1. Michelle Fontanosa-Yee says:

    Kelley, you inspire me because you’ve done many cool and adventurous things, AND now you are training to do this! I believe you can do it, and you just have to do the same thing. You’ll get there, that’s why you are training. Training is for the body, mind, and spirit. You have time, and with hard work and belief, you can achieve this! One bit at a time. Cheering for you! Michelle

    • kprebil says:

      Aw, thanks Michelle! ❤ I need to work through this and you're right, one bit at a time. I really want to look back several months from now and see how much I've grown as a person and how I overcame all these obstacles. I'll be very proud of myself once I get to that point, but gotta make it through the obstacles first.

  2. mani says:

    The courage to talk about your weaknesses can be more precious/valuable than scoring in swimming girl!
    I’ve been wanting to leave you a comment on this, but the nerve that lets me access my left hand fingers to type was declining, so I had to wait.
    We read an article this semester about how the capital culture around competitive swimming has mistakenly created this obsession for some determined swimmers to keep their body in shape (in order to swim faster) beyond their health concerns.. and how some of them loose the sense of reality to see themselves accordingly in the mirror, and no matter how thin they might be, they still see themselves fat in the mirror! scary + worth considering.
    Keep on doing awesome… ❤

  3. mani says:

    * weakness might be the wrong word though, “fear” is what I meant actually!

    • kprebil says:

      Well I can relate on where I still see my “problem areas” even though I know by many standards that I’m skinny. Thanks for your comments Mani. I’m not a competitor by any means and just want to *finish* this swim. I hate racing! It’s a reason why I’m in a slower lane even though I’m the fastest in the lane because I don’t like feeling the stress and pressure of having to keep up with anyone. It’s not good for my body or pscyhe. I love what I do, but I don’t like competing. Jealous of those “better”, sure, but not enough to work at trying to keep up with them.

  4. Mani says:

    I like your attitude Kelley & I’m sure you can humbly pull it off as many other tasks that you’ve put your aim on so far. Competing to remain healthy sucks and i dont understand how some people compete with one another to remain healthy! kinda insane..
    Miss ya & can’t wait to see ya soon when we’re both back in town :*

    • kprebil says:

      Thanks Mani! There are definitely some people who like competing and there are some swimmers in my group that their main focus is the swim meets. I don’t think it’s necessarily trying to be better than someone else, but more of pushing themselves to be a faster swimmer and part of that drive comes from racing. Some people can’t get faster without that competitive factor also. My Masters membership comes with their magazine which there are really interesting articles by adults discussing the issue. Some of them compete purely for fun and they aren’t trying to push themselves or compare themselves to anyone. Then there are of course others who compete because they’re addicted to competition and comparing themselves to others and having to feel like they’re the best. Of course we both know that comparing yourself to others is NOT a good way (in our opinion at least) to live your life as that’s not appreciating what you have. Miss you too and can’t wait until we’re both back in town. 🙂 *hugs*

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