It seems like every time that I try to get my life in order, especially in regards to preparing for this swim, everything just gets screwed up. I’ve been extremely busy the last couple of weeks with other stuff so I haven’t been able to swim as much as I would have liked to and being out of town with prior committments on the weekends (and without time and/or access to a pool and/or large body of water without freezing my butt off). This week I had kept clear aside from a few things as I really wanted to focus on getting caught up on things like my taxes (haven’t started yet even), my car maintenance, some relaxation time (can’t remember the last time I really had a relaxing evening at home), and get back into my Tahoe training. That went FUBAR by noon on Monday.
My mom called me just before noon on Monday that she had fallen and was in the ER. WTF? Turns out that she had badly broken her wrist. I went to the hospital after work on Monday and got home in time to quickly eat dinner and fall asleep. I was actually too tired to eat, but forced myself to. I still got up at 4:30 AM yesterday and went swimming for my 800 yds warm-up and 20 x 100 yards kicking. My mom was going into the OR sometime Tuesday so I was on standby for when the hospital was going to call and tell me she was coming out. I was in the hospital last night until about 9:40 PM. I got home and went to sleep, canceling this morning’s swim because I’d struggled to stay awake at work the last 2 days and couldn’t do a third day of that. I slept until 5:20 AM (almost 7.5 hours! That is a long time for me to sleep) and actually feel awake right now. I looked at some stuff I had written at work yesterday afternoon and it makes no sense, which would explain why I couldn’t figure out why I was getting the bad data I was getting back yesterday when querying the database.
Now it’s the 10th and I haven’t started my taxes yet and freaking out a little over my schedule for the next 4 or 5 days. Tomorrow I’m going to see a musical with my friend Joyce so that’s got a hard time on when I have to meet up with her. Friday I need to see one of my best friends before she goes back to Taipei as I haven’t seen her in a couple of months as it is and that time was with her boyfriend so it wasn’t really quality time with her. I have my open water clinic in Novato on Saturday along with my cousin’s daughter’s birthday and dinner/”Good vs. Evil” tickets in San Jose with one of my best friends. Sunday I have lunch plans with my friend Romy that we’ve already postponed once or twice before and she’s hard to schedule time with so I don’t want to postpone it again. In the meantime I need to fit in my taxes, my car’s oil change, and what appears to be a leak in one of my car tires. I have this horrible image of me at the side of the road with a blown engine and tire because I didn’t have any $#&*)$% time to get either of those taken care of in a timely manner so now it’s going to cost me even more time and thousands more dollars to get them fixed. Why can’t car garages be open 24/7? Who gets there before 6 PM on a weekday? Everything is complicated too with the fact that I’m usually in bed by 9:30 PM.
I got to work at about 6:20 AM this morning because my mom is getting discharged from the hospital today. She has very little food at her house so I need to pick up groceries for her. I figure that I can save some minutes in my day by doing that instead of taking her with me.
I still don’t know when I’m going to be able to go to the post office to get a package that they tried to deliver yesterday. That I need to pick up within 7 days and I’m not seeing much time in the next 7 days to actually get there while they’re open.
*sigh* It’s like the universe is telling me no way in hell am I going to get to do this swim. I feel lame too about it especially when I see other people who manage to do it all including having kids. Right now I feel like I’m not doing anything even okay. I’m getting busted left and right for not giving it 100%, but I’m just overwhelmed and stressed right now. I don’t know how exactly this happened, but it seems like every time I try to make improvements in my schedule to have more time and do things better, I just end up with even more times to do and doing everything a lot worse. It really saddens me, but when I think of the Tahoe swim being almost exactly 4 months away, I feel like everything is falling further apart rather than coming together. NONE of my training is going the way that I was hoping or expecting it to go. My life, even with hip surgeries, grad school while working full-time, and being on-call for work, has always been a lot less complicated than it has been the last few months and I’m not even on-call for work at my current job. Theoretically I should have WAY more free time and less stress and instead it’s the exact opposite.
I feel pressure from myself every time I miss a workout. Why? Because it’s not just that one, it’s cumulative as I’ve missed a lot. Only once did I miss one because I overslept (which I can only think of one other time in my life when I’ve ever overslept so that should say something). The rest of the times were either because I had way too much other crap to do with deadlines or one or both hips were hurting. I’m overwhelmed with the thought that I’m setting myself up for failure and it’s not something I really have control over. Yes, I make all of these decisions, but I’m having great difficulty trying to sort everything out and that Tahoe swim has a deadline on it also. I wonder if I should even bother still half-assed aiming for a goal that other things keep getting in the way of. I can’t drop things like car maintenance or taking care of my mom or the IRS. The sad thing is that I’m a planner and right now nothing seems to be going according to plan. I don’t know if I can train for this swim with taking a week or two totally off to hopefully get my life back in order and get a real breather. I just know that whatever I’m doing now, it’s not working.